perfect, such a thing?

so often i spend my writing time editing, going back, re-reading, "perfecting", in an attempt to reach an end result that is not my real truth. instead of blurting out the words onto pages that form so fluidly in my mind, I go back, slash, cut, and paste, reading over and over and over, I try to rearrange these lines and shapes into forms that sound like poetry, whatever that means. but isn't the real truth in the way my fingers hit these keys the first time? there's so much potency in words, especially unedited. the raw thought, in its simplest form. what if I were to leave it as that, and just that, nothing else? before it would have felt that my world was sure to collapse, though now it leaves behind a sense of peace. an honesty I could never achieve before. so here it is, my words and thoughts as they came into my mind, sprawled onto this page.

it seems a large part of the reason I've committed, lacked consistency, and recommitted to this blog has to do with that obsessive need for perfection. at this point I'm ready to say screw it, and let the words fall as they're supposed to, not as I imagine or desire them to. things turn out much clearer and kinder when I'm not molding them to be an image that's fabricated.

lately,

there's not many words I can find to begin this spell of words other than: hello, and wow. my goodness. it has been far too long.

the amount of change and abundance in love I had felt these past few months is exasperating — I've gone through the ringer with my health (all is fine now) which has left me feeling disenchanted with my old ways of thinking. no longer are the small tiffs that consumed my thoughts important, nor worthy of my time. no longer do I want to pass by the stranger sitting on the ground with a turned head. rather I'd like to smile, say hello, show warmth and welcome. I want to express to others how grateful I am to be alive, here, and present in this moment. I want to focus on the big things, not the miniscule. big in the sense of bigger than myself. spreading awareness, compassion, acceptance for all — I can't imagine doing anything better with my time. also big in the sense of letting go of fears, welcoming in creativity, and putting pen to paper, or brush to canvas. 

passion has been ignited in me once again and I am forever grateful to these deep feelings of desire to create. I know not everyone has them. for that I feel I must listen to that feeling and just do it without expecting validation or anything in return. it can take many forms: photographs, paintings, crafts, mixed media, and words. 

words. words are the form I fall back to most often, though I don't often share them with others. it's something I am working towards, though I'll continue with one less-private form, of this blog. I'm moving away from the old blog I had, and thinking of new names for it. there's a shift that has occurred within me, which pulls me towards a different idea and longing. directing the camera at my face is no longer desirable the way it used to be — though there will always be some of that, there's so much more I want to share. I am more than the clothes on my skin and the shoes on my feet. and I would like to release and show that.

bear valley, open air

some old photographs from a hike I did at the beginning of this summer out at bear valley. I've been away from social media for some time, as these past few months have been filled with such immense change. I've felt pain, sadness, sincere happiness and joy, and all the feelings between. but what I've felt the most in these few months is a change within myself. my true self, my soul, my joy, has peeked through from behind the walls I've built since childhood. these emotions are so new and foreign to my adult life, though they feel strangely familiar. familiar in a way that tells me, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. and this is exactly the person I have always been, deep within. it's so easy to live with a false identity, showing the outside world what we think we should be, stomping the flame of our souls true passion and desire.

by no means have I found the calling of life. but what I have found is a road that is slowly leading me towards that day where my heart fully opens, and I am able to let the light in. these past few months have led to a change. the handle has been turned, and the door has begun to crack open. some beams of light have begun to shine in. and I am so excited to keep walking down this path, discovering each day another piece of myself that was buried so long ago.

with gratitude,

danielle ♥ 

Body as a Tether, 2.14

*     *     *

It's nice to be back on here, blogging again. It seems that each time I've written a new post (many months parting each one), I've promised that things will be different this time, there will be consistency in my writings. It's taken me awhile to discover, while I may be hoping that the words I'm writing will stay true, life doesn't always work that way. 

This past year has been one focused on growth. Training my thoughts and words to be kinder, more loving. Yes, to others, but also to myself. 

Style blogging is very difficult for me. Snapping photos, editing, writing; this is not the part I struggle with. Having to look at myself through images, eyes clouded with prejudgement of what I should look like, what I don't look like. These are my troubles. I fat shame myself to the ends of earth for the smallest things. My thighs are too wide. My arms are not thin enough. Thigh gaps. Fucking thigh gaps.

My body has been morphing over the past few years, a tree shedding and growing leaves with the changing of seasons. From average, to thin, back up to average. What I choose to consider "fat" when looking at myself. Show me anyone else the same size and I'll tell you that person is beautiful. That woman is perfect. Yet when I look into a mirror, my body morphs into a different form, one I am shameful of. One that I'm afraid to share with others. I've been too self conscious this past year to post images of myself. So I used this time to change my perspective.

I needed this break from blogging. In these months, the self hate I've held for so long has been quieted by words of love and compassion. You're beautiful just as you are, I tell myself. Your thighs are beautiful. Your arms are beautiful. And more importantly, my body is not a reflection of my soul. I need not be so bound by fears of image. How others perceive me, how I perceive myself. 

Things are better now though my thoughts aren't perfect. Surrounded all our lives by media, which tells us how we ought to look if we want to be beautiful, it's hard to replace the old with new thoughts of positivity, acceptance. 

Yet I'm trying. I'm retraining my thoughts. I'm taking care of my body for healths sake, done with attempts to be "thin". I have naturally curvy thighs and hips. I'm ready to accept that.

I know this is something many women struggle with. I hope that if you're reading this, my words resonate with you. Medias negative portrayal of females is expansive. While it would be nearly impossible to change all of that, one this is for certain. Our minds can be transformed to view ourselves and other females as beautiful, just as we are.

*     *     *

These photos were taken in the front yard of my new apartment. I now live with my boyfriend in San Anselmo, a quaint town that is coated in sunlight, flowers and bay trees. My favorite place I've ever lived.

Thanks to Mart of China for this sweater, it has become a staple in my closet. I have to force myself not to wear it everyday.

scarf, secondhand // sweater, c.o. mart of china // velvet dress, u.o (old) // roper boots, secondhand, ebay

I love all of you, and hope to be sharing my thoughts with you as the year moves forward. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Merica.

Oh hey guys, it's me. Being late to the party as usual. I don't think my procrastinator brain will ever let me do things punctually. Anyways...

Happy belated 4th of July! I hope all my fellow Americans enjoyed your days, whether it was spent indoors avoiding the heat, out firing up the grill or kicking back with a beer in hand, enjoying exploding lights in the night sky. I, for one, had an amazing day. This year was probably the best 4th I've ever had and I'm so glad I was able to spend it with those that are close to me. I lounged at the beach for most of the day (while avoiding a gnarly burn with loads of sunscreen; I definitely learned my lesson from the last burn, ouch) grabbed some veggie burgers after soaking in the sun, and eventually set out to nearby Sonoma to watch the fireworks show. Marin county (where I live) has the most anti-climactic fireworks, so seeing the display last night was a completely different and very enjoyable experience. Laying cuddled up under a blanket with close friends and staring out into the sky can make you feel really insignificant, yet totally grounded. As the embers from the fireworks floated down from above, I felt a sense of total contentness with my life even though there's currently so much going on in my head. It's really hard to explain, but it was an amazing experience that I hope everyone is able to have at some point. All in all, I had a wonderful day filled with deep conversations, silly jokes and an overall comfort of knowing I'm loved so deeply by others and vice versa.

scarf: vintage / sunglasses: ray ban / shirt: american apparel / bikini: forever 21 / shorts: urban renewal / purse: vintage coach

While I'm far from patriotic, as there is very little to be proud of with the United States' current condition, I'm still extremely grateful to live in the US. There are a lot of basic things (and superfluous items, of course) I have that most people do not, so appreciating and embracing these small things is something that I try to do. Besides, I look damn slick sportin some red white & blue. Aesthetically, it's a rad combo!

The grand finale of the fireworks in Sonoma. Truly an epic moment. Doesn't the combination of lights and smoke look strikingly similar to outer space? I couldn't think of anything else the entire time.

I hope all of you have a wonderful day! Thankfully I have today off as well, which I'll probably be spending outdoors perusing the local farmers market. Ciao! 

Delayed

Hey everyone! I know I haven't updated my blog in quite awhile, and I apologize for said lack of posting. A lot has been going on in my personal life lately, so I've taken the past week to reflect and relax. I'm also dealing with the stress of finals, so I've focused most of my time on studying and finishing up all of my last minute assignments. I promise, I haven't forgot about any of you! After this week, I'll be back to posting regularly.
I hope all of you are doing well. Thanks for reading!

Happy One Year!

So, today marks the one year anniversary of my blog! I'm still in shock that I've managed to keep up with posting for this long, and even more shocked that people are actually interested in my sense of style and the things I have to say. I want to thank all of you for skimming my posts, taking an interest in my style, reading my thoughts, commenting on posts and following. Every little thing means so much; thank you!

For those of you that would like to read a bit more on the backstory of my blog, here's a bit o' rambling for you.
When I originally became interested in starting a "style" blog, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I ended up creating an inspiration tumblr in which I would occasionally write tidbits about myself and add in self portraits, but most posts were photographs of other bloggers or shots from high fashion editorials. When I did add in posts about myself, there was never much personality in them...I really had no connection in the "tumblrverse". After skimming quite a few blogs that I discovered via tumblr, I became really inspired and thought about creating my own blog. At the time, my sense of style wasn't that great and my self esteem was at an all time low (I kid you not). My life had become so passionless, and I knew I needed to make a change for the better. I felt starting a personal blog would really push me in the right direction emotionally and career-wise, especially since I wanted to (and still do) work in the fashion industry. I had read about many of the great opportunities certain bloggers acquired through their personal sites, so I thought, "why not?!" and went for it. At first, I created a secondary tumblr account to use as my style blog. Soon after, I realized tumblr just wasn't for me; I really wanted the full "blogging experience". It sounds silly, but I have a feeling you gals and guys know what I'm talking about. Anyways, I deleted my personal tumblr and started this lil' old blog!
My very first post (which basically goes over everything I stated here) is so amusing to read...the writing style I had was so different and it's so odd to look at the overall formatting/setup of my posts. I've actually skimmed over all my old posts and to say the least, my style has changed a lot; I think it's far more refined than before, which I'm actually really proud of. :)
I can honestly say I'm so glad I started a personal blog. Although I'm still not fully comfortable with myself, I feel far more inspired in my day to day life. I've really pushed myself to create an eclectic style all my own and I now indulge in art regularly, whether it be personal style, photography or drawing.
I know that most of you haven't followed my blog from the very beginning (thank you to those that have!), so I definitely suggest taking a look at my very first dozen or so posts...you can really see my progression. I'm not kidding when I say my current style is nearly the polar opposite of a year ago. Also, if you have a personal blog that you're working to morph (or you're even contemplating starting one up), maybe my personal growth will inspire you just as some other bloggers inspired me! I don't want to sound cocky at all (because I'm really not), it's just interesting to see how much can really change in a year. Everything about this blog is so different! I'm honestly stunned.
I would have posted earlier today, but school has been so overwhelming lately. These past two weeks I've turned in a 10 page paper and taken three tests, and I have even more papers to write and tests to study for next week. Since it's my one year anniversary today, I had to put up a post...even if it is at 11pm.

Anyways, I though you'd be interested to know that I'm going skydiving tomorrow! I've been planning on going for quite some time but I don't think the reality of it hit me until today. There's such a mix of excitement and sheer terror for what I'm going to do tomorrow...jumping out of a plane is quite a big deal, especially since I've only been up in the air twice in my entire life. This shit's gonna be craaaaaaay. I'll make sure to keep all of you updated via twitter and instagram and I'll try to write a bit about the entire experience in my next blog post!

Again, thank you so, so much for reading! I truly appreciate all of your involvement in this blog; I don't know what I would be doing without all of your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Photograph taken by my awesome friend Ahmed.